im getting rid of my undercut
hair grows, it'll be okay
Hi Friends!
Welcome back. Sorry about my absence last week. I genuinely didn’t feel like I had anything to write about. I was a bit down, and I grappled for a long time about whether or not I should still post. I didn’t feel like I had a really good idea or anything I wanted to share. It almost felt like fitting squares into circles (or is it the other way around?), you know?
So, I figured it was best to just take a breather and recollect. So, here we are.
Happy you made it, and thanks for sticking around. Let’s talk about my hair.
The first person I saw with an undercut was Alexa San Román.
I was 14 years old, and she was dating the lead singer of my favorite band at the time.
I am also a product of the internet where the aesthetic was that emo Tumblr/Warped Tour moment, which I feel like says a lot about me.
We can talk about internet aesthetics another time, and what camp everyone self-identifies with, but every time I looked at a photo San Román and Lynn Gunn (the lead singer of PVRIS, and her former girlfriend), it just felt like I needed something like that to be happy.
Retrospectively, a lot of that I think was just me being so far in the closet that I was like, “how do I be like them?” as if the answer wasn’t blatantly obvious.
Additionally, I have always worn my hair up. Whether it be in the signature bun that takes me about three tries every morning to get perfect, or my pony tail era that was most of my childhood and teenage years; the point is my hair has always been super long and super thick.
I never grew up in a household that strayed from normality. I have traditional northeastern parents and lived in a town where almost everybody knew everyone. People talked about the people who had purple hair, or a masculine haircut, or if a guy grew their hair out a bit too long. Even if I thought about existing outside of that made up binary, I wasn’t going to get very far. The fear of being talked about for me was higher than the thrill of adventure.
I did go blonde once though, that was cool, I think. It’s now forever remembered in my license photo.
To make hair matters a bit worse, I attended a Catholic high school, and there were “strict” rules about hair and what it could look like.
I put “strict” in quotes because I never really noticed or paid attention to when/if someone was breaking the policy. No one tested the limits of the barrier, so I have no idea how or in what ways it would have been enforced. But anyways, here are the hair rules, taken straight from the handbook:
Side note: I am not trying to dox my high school, so if you want to see where I pulled this from, message me directly.
“Hairstyles must meet conventional standards appropriate for work in a professional business office setting in order to participate in any function or activity of the school.
Extremes of length, style, cut, or unnatural color (ex: bright/neon colors, ash gray, bleach, etc) are not permitted, including streaks of color in the hair or “dipped” hair. Also prohibited are any designs cut, shaved, or dyed into one’s hair, or beads woven into the hair.
Claims that the offending hairstyle/color cannot be changed because it is a recent purchase will not be accepted. Under no circumstance may athletic teams or clubs dye their hair as a form of team comradery. Students will be subject to disciplinary action for violating school rules.”
The skinny of all that is: you can’t have fun and you can’t use your hair to express yourself.
But, I graduated and then went to college. Where the rules about hair and dress code and all that garbage literally go out the window. I could have green hair and no one would say anything.
I could have an undercut, and it wouldn’t be a problem.
I had wanted it since I was 14, like I said. And now I was fully out and finally starting to figure out who I am. I didn’t get my undercut until the winter of my junior year, which feels so long ago, but is pretty short on paper.
Up until then I had always floated the idea of an undercut out to my parents. My mother would shoot me down, just because she didn’t want me to hate it in case I did end up not liking it. It’s a big commitment to shave the back of your head.
But, when I was home for winter break that year, my mom said that if I could afford it, I could do it.
Case closed.
I also think that for queer people like myself, hair is a big part of our identity. I’ve heard from countless people that having long hair makes them feel the most comfortable with who they are, or that short hair gives them the best feeling in the world. completely shaving your head or dying it every color under the sun, it’s a form of expression that I am not entirely sure I can even do justice in describing.
Having an undercut was the first time that I really, truthfully looked in the mirror and liked what I saw staring back at me. I don’t think I could put into words that euphoria. It made me so much more confident. It really became a huge part of me.
I made the decision that I wanted to grow it back out when I was home for Christmas. I didn’t realize my last trip to the barber for an overpriced buzz-cut no fade was going to be my last one when I left Chicago.
I really loved it. I still really love it and wonder if growing my hair back out is the right call. I feel like every other day I tell the people around me that my growing out era is over and I want to cut it right now. I have got some major things coming up within the next year and I don’t want to have ugly, half-grown-in hair. I know that people look at me and that’s the first thing they see. There are people who tell me it’s ugly and I should have never done it in the first place, even queer folks who said that its not worth it just for the re-growing in process alone. But what they don’t know is that is really did help me to feel super comfortable. It became a part of me, and I’m a bit nervous to give all of that up.
I’m nervous in the same way that I was nervous to cut my hair roughly a month ago. At that point, I really thought I wanted to have short-short hair, like a masculine style cut, and everyone I know encouraged me not to. I still think I want that style, but I really don’t know who I would be if I didn’t struggle to make the perfect bun every morning and complain that it takes me almost an hour to blow dry it or straighten it. I never thought I feared change, but the fear is so much more intense when it’s change within you and your norm.
But, I think I am at a good place for my hair to be all the same length. I’m going to be wearing a lot of hats for the next few months, so, at least now you know why. Thank God my hair grows fast.
And if i hate it, I can just cut it again. Nothing is permanent. The cycle of it all, huh?
Anyways, that’s all I got for ya.
Thanks for sticking around. We’re slowly but surely getting back into the groove.
Talk to you next week.
-Mack